Hallelujah

Lyrics by Marie Kopp & Christina Heath
Music by Leonard Cohen

Swept away, my hopes are gone.

I'm feeling lost, all alone,  

I just don’t know how I'm gonna get through.

I've sunk into my darkest days,  

I can’t imagine now singing praise,

But I hear somebody singing Hallelujah.

Hallelujah, hallelujah,

Hallelujah, hallelujah.

A broken home, a father gone,

A mother who has lost her son,

And several million people who have no one.

Yet somehow in their miseries

They're crying out "Let glory be

To God in all His mercy, Hallelujah!"

...

Though sometimes I can't see your face

You are my life, my source of grace;

Without you my whole world begins to fall through.

In this dark, you're guiding me

Your hand is there unfailingly,

It gives me strength to cry out Hallelujah!

...

Before the tears can even start

Your bleeding Hands and broken Heart

Hold my shattered soul through these disasters.

Though I can hardly feel you here

Through my failure, through my fear,

I go to you with mournful hallelujah.

...

My God you know my dreams and plans

But I place my future in Your hands,

So this is all that I ask from you now:

That You would hear me as I sing,

I make my life an offering,

My life remains your broken hallelujah!

Hallelujah, hallelujah,

Hallelujah, hallelujah.

Hallelujah, hallelujah,

Hallelujah, hallelujah.

Instrumental version of the music
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zNIdlxtNu_o

Me singing this at my graduation:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fbBlxr_I5Co

Perspective for Pro-choicers

So, all pro-lifers have heard this argument:
"It is your right to believe abortion is wrong, but it is wrong of you to try to force that belief on everyone else on the country. Just because you don't agree with it, doesn't make it fair for you to try to force that upon everyone else and make it illegal. It's each woman's individual right to choose, that's why we are PRO-CHOICE, and it is wrong of you to try to take away that choice!"

Blah Blah Blah.

Okay, so, hypothetical situation to put things into perspective for ya:

America legalizes rape. (I dearly hope this remains hypothetical, just saying. Anyways.) You, liberal pro-choicer, are outraged. (As you WELL SHOULD BE. Every conservative pro-lifer in their right mind is too!) So, you take up a campaign, and try with all of your might to spread the word about how wrong this is. You do your utmost to attempt to make rape illegal again. You ignore the rotten tomatoes and moldy bagels thrown at you out of car windows, along with vulgar insults, as you protest outside of the new weekly rapist support group meeting. (The bagel and vulgarity is a true story, it happened to me when I protested outside of a Planned Parenthood clinic in Pittsburgh. I smiled and waved back, and enjoyed watching the birds who came, grateful for their new snack.)

People in support of the new legislation tell you you are wrong to do this. They tell you you are unfair and judgmental; you can't decide what is right for other people, you don't walk in their shoes; what is right for you isn't necessarily right for them. Your peers are angry at you when you post about your mission on social media. Your coworkers glare at you when you try to bring it up at work. Even people at your church plug their ears and tell you that you are the one who is wrong here.

These people believe that it is the rapist's right to rape a woman, even though it compromises the woman's rights. And they don't want to listen to your judgmental, hypocritical, self-righteous rant  to the contrary.

So, do you stop opposing rape? DO YOU, liberal pro-choicer, agree to let it go and roll with the new legislation? Hmmm? Do you stop going to marches, rallies, protests, lectures, etc., in support of your mission, simply because people disagree with you? Do you allow the fear of persecution or of offending others with your opinion to stop your fight against this heinously disgusting new legislation? NO, you don't. (At least, I hope you have that much backbone left in you.)

Well, we, conservative pro-lifers, are the same. We believe that abortion is wrong. Yes, we know your arguments to the contrary. We understand that you think it is wrong for us to try to make abortion illegal based on "our opinions." We know you get upset when we post about it on social media, when we bring it up at work, school, or even, unfortunately, church. We know you'd rather not hear about it, and ignore the horror you are content to allow. But that doesn't change our decision to fight you tooth and nail, which we will continue to do as long as we have breath left in us.

Harry Potter - My Two Cents

So.
I just finished the Harry Potter Saga. For the first time.
Yes, yes, I know. It is truly the first time. No, I have not seen the movies yet, either. Well, none but the first at least.
Why is this the first time I've read them when everyone else read them eons ago?
A) Dad thought they were evil.
B) I'm a strange person. In my strangeness, I avoid trends like the plague. If something is popular, it isn't for me. So, I have to either read/watch it before it is trendy, or wayyyyy after. Otherwise my enjoyment of it is immensely diminished.

Anyways. They were a fun read, but they left me dissatisfied. My thoughts on the matter are thus:

- I enjoy fantasy novels. Thus, I enjoy magic in books. But the Harry Potter magic was a little too dark for my tastes. No, they didn't call on demons. But they call themselves witches and warlocks, and their potions especially are creepy, in an old fashioned witchcraft sense. I didn't love that.

- As far as secular young adult literature goes these days, I thought they were fairly well-written. The characters were loveable, human, flawed, but still trying to be noble. Good qualities.

- I don't like that they are set for such a young age group. I don't think I would like anyone under 14 reading them, simply because anyone reading them needs to be old enough and mature enough to realize this is fiction, and in the real world, "witchcraft" is not harmless. It is evil. They need to be able to understand and grasp this, while still being able to enjoy the stories.

My biggest bone to pick with the series is this:
It makes such a big deal out of the difference between good magic and the Dark Arts, as it indeed should! I would not approve of any book containing magic that didn't. BUT! Why make that distinction, that MAIN PLOT of the story, and then allow the main characters to practice those same Dark Arts with no consequence?! What makes that okay, people?! I understand they are human characters. I love them for that. I understand they have weaknesses. But I don't understand what makes Harry any better than Malfoy. The series makes such a big deal about the Unforgivable Curses, but in the last book, as well as previous ones, Harry uses these curses. He attempts the Crucio curse in The Order of the Phoenix, The Half Blood Prince, & successfully uses it in The Deathly Hallows; he also uses the Imperius Curse multiple times in The Deathly Hallows. Why is this never addressed at least? Why are Crabbe and Goyle and Malfoy so evil for using them, but not Harry and Ron and Hermione? I'm in a quandery here. I think this would have been a perfect time for the author to discuss this. To explain why it is wrong for the characters use them. To show consequences. But she doesn't....it is simply a frustrating, unadressed thread that is thoroughly ignored. Humph.

My two cents.

You Will Be My Only Love

Behold, I am Your handmaid, Lord,

I repeat Your Mother’s words;

Be it done unto me, yes I will follow Your Will,

I give You my heart, my King.

This path You laid out before me, Lord,

Is full of the loveliest roses.

It twists and it turns

Around every bend,

So that I cannot see,

But I will fix my eyes on You, my Lord,

No I will not have any fear.

These roses are soft as they caress my feet,

But underneath are the thorns and the stems.

The thorns cut and tear at my feet,

Like the ones in the braid of Your Crown.

But my Lord, my Christ,

I will focus on you, and the pain will not be too great;

But whenever it is, Oh! I can hardly yet wait,

For tis then I will I will be lifted into Your arms.

My heart, my King, is tender and young,

At first quite fearful of You;

But You proved yourself, my God and my All,

You treat my heart ever so gently;

You are sweet and kind, and I now have faith,

I can trust You with my heart.

I give my heart to You, my Love,

Do with it what You will.

But no matter what, if I beg or plead,

Never give it back to me.

I give it all to You, my Love,

Do with it as You will.

You may keep it and I will marry you, I will be a joyful nun.

Or Lord, if you choose,

You may give it away,

To a good and holy man,

But no matter what,

I will always be Yours,

You will be my Only Love.

My Graduation Programme

At my graduation on Saturday, we did things a bit differently. As I am homeschooled, we had a private ceremony, with my dearest family and friends, with a party immediately following.

For the ceremony itself, I wrote some words, and read them aloud, then sang a song that has been somehow very instrumental to my life. Here is that part of the programme.

(I apologize for how horrid the audio quality in the videos is...)

               This is a reflection on the most important things I've learned these past years, through the medium of music.
                 My confirmation saints are Joan of Arc and Philomena. They both died young, martyred for Christ. I have always been inspired by this loyalty and confidence in Our Savior, even unto death. St. Joan of Arc lead led the French army to many victories over England, and after her martyrdom, her soldiers were inspired to continue their fight, and vanquish England altogether. St. Philomena was asked to marry the Roman Emperor in return for her country's safety. But she had promised herself to Christ, and so she would not yield either to the Emperor's charms or tortures. Thus, she, too, was martyred. Both these young women, clearly, fought hard for the God they believed in. But, that sort of fighting is never easy.

                I was once told that Joan's greatest fear had been fire. During her trial, at one point she became so afraid, that she agreed to the terms of the court, to lie about and so deny the Saintly apparitions she had received, out of her fear of her threatened death, which was burning at the stake. However, what makes this important, is that even though Joan gave up, through fear, through grace Christ renewed her courage. She returned to the court, and told them she would hold firm to her original testimony, that she had received the visions, and that God had told her through them to lead the French army to victory over England. So, you see, when she was overcome with fear, even this mighty saint tripped and fell. But Christ did not condemn her! He helped her back up, and gave her the courage to try again.

                Christ has given me so many blessing throughout my entire life. 2 parents with a strong Catholic faith, and the zeal to teach it unwaveringly to my brothers and myself, even when it required great self-sacrifice; their decision to homeschool us, to make sure we were formed in these beliefs and would carry them for the rest of our lives; these blessings, and so many others as well, such that it seems Christ has been extravagant in his blessings to me! But, since I was so deeply blessed, He must also allow me a particular suffering. This suffering mostly took the forms of overscrupulousity, which is basically a form of spiritual OCD, and distrust of Him. I became so afraid of Him, that my internal perception of Him became completely disfigured. I could only see a wrathful, angry, judging God, waiting to see me fall so he could punish me.

                I often felt like I was in a deep pit of black ooze, pulling me down, and I couldn't escape it. I was not far from the edge of total despair.

                I know now how inaccurate this perception of God is. I will get to that in a minute. But what I want to touch on here, is that somehow, even when I was at my deepest and darkest, Christ never let go of me completely. He always gave me the strength to keep going. To try one more time, everytime. Until the time was right for Him to heal me of this struggle.

                Over Easter, the refrain from the song Hallelujah was stuck in my head. But when I looked it up to learn the rest of the words, for I really liked the melody and refrain of the song, I was disturbed. I hadn't been sure what this mournful, yet beautiful song was about, but I somehow thought it was about praising God even when life was darkest. The lyrics I found, however, seemed to be the opposite. I didn't understand them well, but what I did understand was that the whole piece seemed to be mocking God, His love, and claiming all women were treacherous temptations, like Bathsheba was to King David, or Delilah to Sampson.

                I was really upset to find it so, for I truly was beginning to know and love this melody, and it had so much potential. So, I wrote to a very dear friend of mine, Christina Heath. She is brilliant, and an amazing writer and poet. Over the months since Easter, we have worked together on rewriting this song. And here it is now.

✾   

              As I said before, that perception I had of God is a distortion. The real, one true God is full of love and mercy, and the veil hiding that fact is finally being lifted from my eyes. Many dear, beloved Saints are helping me learn this fact. Saint Augustine, one of my favorites, says that,

                "Fear is the enemy of Love."

Being afraid of Christ, at least for me, led me to hatred of him. But that is not what he wants. He wants trust, confidence and love. Our Lord told St. Faustina,

                "Be not afraid of your Savior, O sinful soul. I make the first move to come to you, for                 I know by yourself you are unable to lift yourself to me."

And St. Therese of Lisieux reveals that,

                "Since He has granted it to me to understand the love of the Heart of Jesus, I confess                 that He has chased all fear out of my heart."

In a book I am reading right now, Consoling the Heart of Jesus, the author tells the story of a young man in adoration, who Our Lord spoke to.

                "Joseph, why are you hesitating, why do you fear? Haven't I shown you how gentle I                  am with you? Haven't I shown you only kindness? ...Joseph, all I want is for you to be                  my friend. All I want is for you not to be afraid of me, and to come to me....That's all."

                Christ is slowly and gently healing me of this struggle, to see Him through eyes of confidence and trust, rather than fear. I have learned so much on the 11 or more retreats I have made in this Holy building. I am constantly learning more and more through the friendship and spiritual direction I receive from the Sisters. One sister in particular, Sr. Mary Magdalene, has been one of my dearest friends since childhood. She is the first guide I was sent, to lead me to know Christ through eyes of trust and love. This next song I will sing, Restless by Audrey Assad, was her favorite, and she taught me to love it as well.

✾    

                I have learned so much from so many people over the years. Some of those people have passed on, and I pray are in Heaven, sending down prayers for me and still guiding me to Christ.

                I learned a great deal, especially, from my Grandparents, Kay and Jim, who are no longer here. My grandfather taught me the virtue of kindness. He was always in a good mood, and I remember many projects the 2 of us did together. And he was always grateful for anything anyone did for him, be it when my grandmother made him his favorite homemade Mac & cheese, or when the nurses came and helped him every day. But my favorite memories of him are when we would sit together and watch musicals, most often The Sound of Music. We both knew all the words, and would sit and sing along. We didn't need to say anything, but there was such a feeling of camaraderie between us during those times.

                I learned so much from my grandmother, too. She taught me to love textile arts, such as sewing and knitting. We spent many joyful hours baking together. She taught me to always do as much as possible for others. And she passed on to me her love of literature and theatre, which I hope to continue studying when I go on to college. Both of them really taught me to appreciate musicals,  So I will now sing Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again from The Phantom of the Opera in their honor. 

✾   

                 I owe so many people for what I have learned the past few years. So many friends, ones who I've known since I was born, or who I've met more recently, but each of whom is so dear to me, and each has helped me become more of what God wants of me. Also, my extended family, who have always supported me through the years. My aunts and uncles, my godfather Uncle Mark. My cousins, who I love getting to see nearly every week, who I get to watch grow up into what God wants for them.

                Especially, my grandparents, Louise and Bill. You raised my father staunchly Catholic, and thus made it possible for me to have my treasured faith today. You have both taught me the virtue of generosity, helping people whenever they need it. You are always happy to have people into your home, no matter how many, and you have taught me the beauty of family and kept us all close as we grew up,  coming over every Sunday for Dinner.

                Most of all, I want to thank my brothers and my parents. My brothers have been my closest friends my whole life. They are always there for me, challenging me to be better, to grow, and to learn patience with constant whistling. They are the best. And my parents: they have given everything for me. They raised me in my faith, they made sacrifices so that they could homeschool me and form me completely in accord with Holy Mother Church, and they love me unconditionally, even when I know it isn't easy. I love them and am so grateful God made them mine. To all of you, thank you. You have all made me Who I was Born to Be.

✾   

 Then my parents presented me with my diploma, and we ended with my elder brother Mike and one of my best friends, David, leading Father I Adore You as a round. It was, in a word, beautiful.