At my graduation on Saturday, we did things a bit differently. As I am homeschooled, we had a private ceremony, with my dearest family and friends, with a party immediately following.
For the ceremony itself, I wrote some words, and read them aloud, then sang a song that has been somehow very instrumental to my life. Here is that part of the programme.
(I apologize for how horrid the audio quality in the videos is...)
This is a reflection on the most important things I've learned these past years, through the medium of music.
My
confirmation saints are Joan of Arc and Philomena. They both died young,
martyred for Christ. I have always been inspired by this loyalty and confidence
in Our Savior, even unto death. St. Joan of Arc lead led the French army to
many victories over England, and after her martyrdom, her soldiers were inspired to
continue their fight, and vanquish England altogether. St. Philomena was asked
to marry the Roman Emperor in return for her country's safety. But she had
promised herself to Christ, and so she would not yield either to the Emperor's
charms or tortures. Thus, she, too, was martyred. Both these young women,
clearly, fought hard for the God they believed in. But, that sort of fighting
is never easy.
I was once told that Joan's
greatest fear had been fire. During her trial, at one point she became so
afraid, that she agreed to the terms of the court, to lie about and so deny the
Saintly apparitions she had received, out of her fear of her threatened death,
which was burning at the stake. However, what makes this important, is that even though
Joan gave up, through fear, through grace Christ renewed her courage. She
returned to the court, and told them she would hold firm to her original
testimony, that she had received the visions, and that God had told her through
them to lead the French army to victory over England. So, you see, when she was
overcome with fear, even this mighty saint tripped and fell. But Christ did not
condemn her! He helped her back up, and gave her the courage to try again.
Christ has given me so many
blessing throughout my entire life. 2 parents with a strong Catholic faith, and
the zeal to teach it unwaveringly to my brothers and myself, even when it
required great self-sacrifice; their decision to homeschool us, to make sure we
were formed in these beliefs and would carry them for the rest of our lives; these blessings, and so many others as well, such that it seems Christ has been
extravagant in his blessings to me! But, since I was so deeply blessed, He must
also allow me a particular suffering. This suffering mostly took the forms of
overscrupulousity, which is basically a form of spiritual OCD, and distrust of
Him. I became so afraid of Him, that my internal perception of Him became
completely disfigured. I could only see a wrathful, angry, judging God, waiting
to see me fall so he could punish me.
I
often felt like I was in a deep pit of black ooze, pulling me down, and I
couldn't escape it. I was not far from the edge of total despair.
I know now how inaccurate this
perception of God is. I will get to that in a minute. But what I want to touch
on here, is that somehow, even when I was at my deepest and darkest, Christ
never let go of me completely. He always gave me the strength to keep going. To
try one more time, everytime. Until the time was right for Him to heal me of
this struggle.
Over Easter, the refrain from
the song Hallelujah was stuck in my head. But when I looked it up to learn the
rest of the words, for I really liked the melody and refrain of the song, I was
disturbed. I hadn't been sure what this mournful, yet beautiful song was about,
but I somehow thought it was about praising God even when life was darkest.
The lyrics I found, however, seemed to be the opposite. I didn't understand
them well, but what I did understand was that the whole piece seemed to be
mocking God, His love, and claiming all women were treacherous temptations,
like Bathsheba was to King David, or Delilah to Sampson.
I was really upset to find it
so, for I truly was beginning to know and love this melody, and it had so much
potential. So, I wrote to a very dear friend of mine, Christina Heath. She is
brilliant, and an amazing writer and poet. Over the months since Easter, we
have worked together on rewriting this song. And here it is now.
✾
As
I said before, that perception I had of God is a distortion. The real, one true
God is full of love and mercy, and the veil hiding that fact is finally being
lifted from my eyes. Many dear, beloved Saints are helping me learn this fact.
Saint Augustine, one of my favorites, says that,
"Fear is the enemy of
Love."
Being
afraid of Christ, at least for me, led me to hatred of him. But that is not
what he wants. He wants trust, confidence and love. Our Lord told St. Faustina,
"Be not afraid of your
Savior, O sinful soul. I make the first move to come to you, for I
know by yourself you are unable to lift yourself to me."
And
St. Therese of Lisieux reveals that,
"Since He has granted it to
me to understand the love of the Heart of Jesus, I confess that He has chased all fear out of my
heart."
In
a book I am reading right now, Consoling the Heart of Jesus, the author tells
the story of a young man in adoration, who Our Lord spoke to.
"Joseph, why are you
hesitating, why do you fear? Haven't I shown you how gentle I am with you? Haven't I shown you
only kindness? ...Joseph, all I want is for you to be my friend. All I want is for you not to be afraid of
me, and to come to me....That's all."
Christ is slowly and gently
healing me of this struggle, to see Him through eyes of confidence and trust,
rather than fear. I have learned so much on the 11 or more retreats I have made
in this Holy building. I am constantly learning more and more through the
friendship and spiritual direction I receive from the Sisters. One sister in
particular, Sr. Mary Magdalene, has been one of my dearest friends since
childhood. She is the first guide I was sent, to lead me to know Christ through
eyes of trust and love. This next song I will sing, Restless by Audrey Assad,
was her favorite, and she taught me to love it as well.
✾
I
have learned so much from so many people over the years. Some of those people
have passed on, and I pray are in Heaven, sending down prayers for me and still
guiding me to Christ.
I learned a great deal,
especially, from my Grandparents, Kay and Jim, who are no longer here. My
grandfather taught me the virtue of kindness. He was always in a good mood, and
I remember many projects the 2 of us did together. And he was always grateful
for anything anyone did for him, be it when my grandmother made him his
favorite homemade Mac & cheese, or when the nurses came and helped him every
day. But my favorite memories of him are when we would sit together and watch
musicals, most often The Sound of Music. We both knew all the words, and would
sit and sing along. We didn't need to say anything, but there was such a
feeling of camaraderie between us during those times.
I learned so much from my
grandmother, too. She taught me to love textile arts, such as sewing and
knitting. We spent many joyful hours baking together. She taught me to always
do as much as possible for others. And she passed on to me her love of literature
and theatre, which I hope to continue studying when I go on to college. Both of
them really taught me to appreciate musicals, So I will now sing Wishing You Were Somehow
Here Again from The Phantom of the Opera in their honor.
✾
I
owe so many people for what I have learned the past few years. So many friends,
ones who I've known since I was born, or who I've met more recently, but each
of whom is so dear to me, and each has helped me become more of what God wants
of me. Also, my extended family, who have always supported me through the
years. My aunts and uncles, my godfather Uncle Mark. My cousins, who I love
getting to see nearly every week, who I get to watch grow up into what God
wants for them.
Especially, my grandparents,
Louise and Bill. You raised my father staunchly Catholic, and thus made it
possible for me to have my treasured faith today. You have both taught me the
virtue of generosity, helping people whenever they need it. You are always
happy to have people into your home, no matter how many, and you have taught me
the beauty of family and kept us all close as we grew up, coming over every Sunday for Dinner.
Most of all, I want to thank my
brothers and my parents. My brothers have been my closest friends my whole
life. They are always there for me, challenging me to be better, to grow, and to
learn patience with constant whistling. They are the best. And my parents: they
have given everything for me. They raised me in my faith, they made sacrifices
so that they could homeschool me and form me completely in accord with Holy
Mother Church, and they love me unconditionally, even when I know it isn't
easy. I love them and am so grateful God made them mine. To all of you, thank
you. You have all made me Who I was Born to Be.
✾
Then
my parents presented me with my diploma, and we ended with my elder
brother Mike and one of my best friends, David, leading Father I Adore
You as a round. It was, in a word, beautiful.
